Hominid Views

Professor William D. Underwood
Interim President
Baylor University

Dear Professor Underwood:

As Interim President of our nation’s most prestigious Baptist University, I commend you and your employees for your bold stance against the evil Starbucks The Way I See It cup series.

Previously, I sent a letter (Making Coffee Safer for Conservatives) to the Washington State Director of the Concerned Women for America proposing a new Starbucks cup series: The Way God Wants It. I offered an initial collection of conversation starters quoted from America’s top religious leaders, for example,

“I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped [9-11] happen.’” — Jerry Falwell on the 700 Club.

Now that Baylor University is involved, I realize that some of the quotations I suggested don’t really live up to the Texas image. Indeed, if we are to introduce a new cup series, I think it would be fitting to have a Texas Special edition printed on jumbo-sized cups that highlights the Spirit of Texas.

Given Texas’ stellar record in administering God’s justice in the form of lethal injection, the electric chair, and the occasional hanging, I thought we could offer a scriptural reminder of the wages of sin:

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.” — God, Leviticus 20:13 (KJV)

It’s hard to top the Word of God, but I think the series would benefit from something a little more contemporary. Perhaps this quotation, from the man who shouted “God hates fags!”, at the funeral of Matthew Shepard, would resonate with your staff employees and would encourage applications from like-minded students:

“This poor little pervert was trawling for sex in a cowboy bar at midnight in Wyoming, and he gets himself killed. He’s not a hero but an idiot. His mother and her foundation are feeding off his carcass.” — Fred Phelps, Primitive Baptist church in Topeka, Kansas.

(As an aside, I think you should consider Mr. Phelps in your ongoing search for a President of Baylor University.)

Perhaps we can even talk Starbucks into printing this famous quote from Baylor University’s founder:

“The right to bear arms is essential to freedom. For it is the policy of governments to disarm the people, that they may have the opportunity to oppress them.” — Robert Emmett Bledsoe Baylor, 1845

I must confess that I have never been to your campus, but I assume, in the spirit of Robert Baylor, you openly encourage students to pack heat. Perhaps the greatest benefit of the Texas Special edition of The Way God Wants It cup series is that it would promote a campus culture of “don’t ask, don’t tell, or get your nuts blown off.”

Thanks for your help in the ongoing efforts to, once again, make coffee consumption safe for conservative Christians.

Yours verily,

Darryl
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