Tuesday, August 30, 2005 at 9:01 am by Darryl
Dear Ms. Richardson,
I read with interest the Seattle Times article yesterday in which your group is objecting to the liberal bias of quotations printed on the cups at Starbucks. The coffee retailer had hoped to inspire â€œold-fashioned coffee-house conversationsâ€ with its The Way I See It cup series. Clearly, the whole â€œconversation-makingâ€ enterprise is some kind of Bacchanalian conspiracy to promote fornication, homosexuality, wearing of pink leotards in public, and coed dancing. Thanks for your vigilance and action on behalf of the conservative Christian coffee connoisseurs of Washington.
While I applaud your efforts to clean up the coffee houses, I am afraid I sense difficulty in convincing Starbucks to adopt your suggestion of adding balance to the quotations. After all, there are only a few hundred conservative Christian coffee connoisseurs in the entire state of Washington, and most of them arenâ€™t interested in coffee-house conversation. Why would they stick around and converse with hippie want-to-bes when they could be at a potluck supper in a nearby church basement?
I think we need to convince Starbucks to launch a new cup series with quotations that will draw conservative Christian coffee connoisseurs out of the basements and into Starbucks. To help you out, I have put together a few quotations from conservative Christian leaders that I think would be good conversation starters on Starbucksâ€™ new The Way God Wants It cup series:
“I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped [9-11] happen.â€™” — Jerry Falwell on the 700 Club.
â€œYou know, I donâ€™t know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks weâ€™re trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We donâ€™t need another 200 billion dollar war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. Itâ€™s a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.â€ — Pat Robertson on the 700 Club.
â€œâ€¦if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked likeâ€¦. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a muleâ€¦. It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the realityâ€¦ Welcome to domestic life on the farmâ€¦â€ — Neil Horsley on Fox News Radio.
“I think Muhammad was a terrorist. I read enough by both Muslims and non-Muslims, [to decide] that he was a violent man, a man of war.” — Jerry Falwell on 60 Minutes.
I’m trying to find the correct name for it . . . this utter absolute, asinine, idiotic stupidity of men marrying men. . . . I’ve never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry. And I’m gonna be blunt and plain; if one ever looks at me like that, I’m gonna kill him and tell God he died.â€ — Jimmy Swaggart during a sermon on Canadian television.
“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.” — Pat Robertson, 1992 GOP Convention.
â€œYou experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. [â€¦] If itâ€™s warm and itâ€™s damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it.â€ — Neil Horsley on Fox News Radio.
These quotations are just for starters. I have a great collection by conservative political leaders that can be added to the mix later on. My only other suggestion is that you convince Starbucks to get rid of the decadent, sin-promoting, pro-homosexual food items—chocolate hazelnut biscotti, butter croissants with apricot glaze, and glazed maple-oat scones. Instead, they should adopt more of a â€œpot luckâ€ menu—things like lime Jell-O with mandarin orange slices and marshmallows.
Again, I want to thank you and the Concerned Women for America of Washington for your efforts to make the world safer for conservative Christian coffee connoisseurs.