Making Coffee Safer for Conservatives

Maureen Richardson
State Director
Concerned Women for America of Washington.

Dear Ms. Richardson,

I read with interest the Seattle Times article yesterday in which your group is objecting to the liberal bias of quotations printed on the cups at Starbucks. The coffee retailer had hoped to inspire “old-fashioned coffee-house conversations” with its The Way I See It cup series. Clearly, the whole “conversation-making” enterprise is some kind of Bacchanalian conspiracy to promote fornication, homosexuality, wearing of pink leotards in public, and coed dancing. Thanks for your vigilance and action on behalf of the conservative Christian coffee connoisseurs of Washington.

While I applaud your efforts to clean up the coffee houses, I am afraid I sense difficulty in convincing Starbucks to adopt your suggestion of adding balance to the quotations. After all, there are only a few hundred conservative Christian coffee connoisseurs in the entire state of Washington, and most of them aren’t interested in coffee-house conversation. Why would they stick around and converse with hippie want-to-bes when they could be at a potluck supper in a nearby church basement?

I think we need to convince Starbucks to launch a new cup series with quotations that will draw conservative Christian coffee connoisseurs out of the basements and into Starbucks. To help you out, I have put together a few quotations from conservative Christian leaders that I think would be good conversation starters on Starbucks’ new The Way God Wants It cup series:

“I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped [9-11] happen.’” — Jerry Falwell on the 700 Club.

“You know, I don’t know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don’t need another 200 billion dollar war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator. It’s a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with.”Pat Robertson on the 700 Club.

“…if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked like…. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule…. It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality… Welcome to domestic life on the farm…”Neil Horsley on Fox News Radio.

“I think Muhammad was a terrorist. I read enough by both Muslims and non-Muslims, [to decide] that he was a violent man, a man of war.” — Jerry Falwell on 60 Minutes.

I’m trying to find the correct name for it . . . this utter absolute, asinine, idiotic stupidity of men marrying men. . . . I’ve never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry. And I’m gonna be blunt and plain; if one ever looks at me like that, I’m gonna kill him and tell God he died.” — Jimmy Swaggart during a sermon on Canadian television.

“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.” — Pat Robertson, 1992 GOP Convention.

“You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. […] If it’s warm and it’s damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it.”Neil Horsley on Fox News Radio.

These quotations are just for starters. I have a great collection by conservative political leaders that can be added to the mix later on. My only other suggestion is that you convince Starbucks to get rid of the decadent, sin-promoting, pro-homosexual food items—chocolate hazelnut biscotti, butter croissants with apricot glaze, and glazed maple-oat scones. Instead, they should adopt more of a “pot luck” menu—things like lime Jell-O with mandarin orange slices and marshmallows.

Again, I want to thank you and the Concerned Women for America of Washington for your efforts to make the world safer for conservative Christian coffee connoisseurs.

Yours verily,

Darryl Holman

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7 Responses to “Making Coffee Safer for Conservatives”

  1. Nathan Says:

    Okay, that is definitely the funniest thing I’ve read this week (so far — I’ll let you know on Friday if I’ve come across anything more amusing).

    BTW I was glad to see that your site’s back up and running. Just a few hours of downtime is not bad for a Category 5 hurricane.

  2. Preemptive Karma Says:

    Gimme a triple-venti-extra-gay-no-whip-mocha

    I’m a regular Starbucks customer. I think their coffee is generally excellent: perfect temperature, great variety and very good customer service. The outlet I usually patronize has a superb manager and what seems to be a staff dedicated to doing a goo…

  3. torridjoe Says:

    Man, there’s nothing nicer than being in a coffee shop where the staff are doing a goo…


  4. Darryl Says:

    Hi torridjoe,
    Yeah … the Preemptive Karma comment is really a trackback. I’ll have to modify my template to make such things clear.

    Oh … your comment got trapped in the spam filter for some strange reason. Try to clean up the language a bit :)

  5. Hominid Views » Blog Archive » Hominid Views Disaster Recovery Says:

    [Trackback...] Much to my surprise, there was no loss of service as of yesterday morning when I wrote the Coffee post. Then, around 4 pm yesterday (Tuesday), Goldy from emailed me saying that Hominid Views had disappeared. He had linked to one of my posts in his Blog roundup post (thanks Goldy!), and this site disappeared as he wrote the post. Sure enough, the rising waters in New Orleans or the lack of diesel fuel for generators likely brought down [...]

  6. Hominid Views » Blog Archive » Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, or Get Your Nuts Blown Off Says:

    [Trackback...] Previously, I sent a letter (Making Coffee Safer for Conservatives) to the Washington State Director of the Concerned Women for America proposing a new Starbucks cup series: The Way God Wants It. I offered an initial collection of conversation starters quoted from America’s top religious leaders, for example, “I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped [9-11] happen.’” — Jerry Falwell on the 700 Club. [...]

  7. Casey Says:


    Honestly, after reading the whole page, I wish I could go back in time and take back the 10 minutes I spent reading the waste of bandwidth that was used to put this on a web page.

    Luckily for us, not everyone in the world is the same and we all come to a point in life where… what do you know, we don’t like something! I believe the point of the quotes on the back of the Starbucks cups was to give different views from authors, actors, etc. Not to try to force someone to believe what it says. Like it says “The Way I See It”, not “The Way The World Sees It”. If Starbucks were to print on their cups your ideas, it would more than likely offend someone else and then there’d be a long web page about how offended someone else is about what’s on the cup.

    Point being, no one was told to “go be gay!”. If I decided to take a stop sign down and put one up that said “Floor It!”, would you do it? It all comes down to what common sense tells you. So let’s take some time, reflect for a minute maybe… AND USE SOME COMMON SENSE!

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